so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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