im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
