Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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