I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
