ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Randomize
