where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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