she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
