there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
