And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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