just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
