i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
don't judge my taste in strippers
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
