Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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