i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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