Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
