I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
