I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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