If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
