Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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