So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
