Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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