Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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