everyone is single if you try hard enough
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
