My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
