I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
