i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
