Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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