gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
