Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
