i think my tv is drunk
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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