Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
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I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
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Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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