Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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