Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
