Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Randomize
