I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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