only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
