Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
