Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
