thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
