Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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