my phone needs a breathalizer
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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