I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
