New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
