So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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