She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
