insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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