Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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