I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
