I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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