My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
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I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
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I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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