I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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