I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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