apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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