I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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