I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
