If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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