Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
