it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
