I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
