I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
