At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
