were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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